The following thoughts have been cut up in bite size pieces and pre-chewed for your digestive pleasure.
Are you ready to go to war? I know I am. Just let me get some chips and soda, and I'll plop myself right down in front of CNN. Well, I don't have cable, but I digress.
Has anyone else noticed that our track record in armed conflict is, well, shall we say, "less than stellar" in the last three decades or so? Vietnam, Somalia, the Gulf, Kosovo, and now the Gulf again? If you ask me, it's been downhill since World War II. I mean, at least then we had an ideology that pretty much all Americans could get behind and say "evil." I mean, we even had Captain America kicking the crap out of their leader! Don't get me wrong, Saddam Hussein is a pretty nasty guy, but he hasn't reached Hitler proportions yet. For one thing, his mustache is too big.
What is it with dictators and facial hair, though? Castro, Stalin, Hitler, Mussolini, and now Saddam, all sport the upper lip fur. Is it a prerequisite for joining the dictators social club? And what do they do at said club, sit around and discuss their grooming techniques over tea and cookies?
I think there are still some very important unanswered questions about inspections in Iraq. For one thing: did Saddam declare his stash of PlayStation 2s in that massive multi-thousand page tome? Really, forget biological, nuclear, and chemical weapons: they can't possibly be playing Vice City on all of those consoles.
As scary as a lot of the news of war is, I think the scariest part is this. Finally we know the true purpose of America's Army. Those virtual soldiers with the highest records will no doubt be on the top of the pile for selective service. They've already proved that they can point and shoot a gun in a video game; how much harder can real life really be? And for all of you who think you're escaping by going on to graduate school, think again. The bill as put forth would have "no education exemptions."
Now, honestly, the last person I want defending the country is me. Sure, the army would probably whip me into shape and make me a lean, mean, fighting machine, but can they rid me of my intense desire to satire and ridicule my life? There's the possibility that my barbed wit could be used against the enemy, but I think the effectiveness of that might be dampened by the language barrier. And as all those deathmatch players will attest, you can't taunt someone to death.
Speaking of videogames, how come nobody has blamed the war on them yet? Sure, as soon as some kid turns a gun on his chem lab partner, it's "video games cause violence?" How much more violent can you get than war? Maybe Georgie played a little too much Contra in the 80s. Honestly, if we were as violent as people suggests, then I think the opposition to war would be a lot smaller. People would be joining the military right and left, itching for a chance to handle a rocket launcher. "But I got 80 frags on Hardcore in Quake III!" they'd be telling the recruitment officer, moments before he rejects them for poor eyesight. Personally, I wouldn't mind shooting at the enemy, as long as they're not shooting back. Also, would it be too much to ask for the enemy to be cardboard stand ups in threatening poses? I'd feel bad if I had to kill someone.
And I'm sure my mom would be upset.
The preceding has been an incoherent jumble of thoughts and ideas running rampant in my head. It can mean only one thing:
I'm back, baby.